Homemade Drugs:

In Focus
Right on cue with your impeccable delivery, alienating but true. You laugh and I can’t reply. Lately I’ve been less than inspired as we cash all the checks just to barely make rent. Oh believe me, baby this time the truth will set you free. No more parties or platforms, no more sighing for nothing to say. The message you left was typically cryptic. You know more than you’re letting on and I, what I mean is, I’m speechless. Hangups on the answering machine. The curtains are open, I creep through the door and you’re already gone. The wood cracks, the glass smashed, the pain is never worth the wait. But oh believe me, baby this time the truth will set you free.

Distance
When your heart breaks you, when the lies shine through, when your father finds you sleeping in the rain like you do, do you let out a last breath? Do you give it the college try or do you just slump to one side? When you twist what’s true and the fingers point at you, when the bottom drops out on everything you knew and your youth what do you do? Do you intend to help me get back home or will you leave me stranded? I’m on to you. The strings are shown, the mirrors fog, the belt in its groove will slip out. When your heart breaks you, when the lies shine through, when your father finds you sleeping in the rain like you do, do you let out a last breath? Do you give it the college try or do you just slump to one side? And so you drop out of school and still you make excuses for the time and what you find. Do you intend to help me get back home or will you leave me stranded? I’m on to you. The strings are shown, the mirrors fog, the belt in its groove will slip out. Little by little you’ve drifted towards something you don’t understand and now you look at him and remember when you’d collapse into his arms.

Middle Harbor Road
This isn’t life. This isn’t ok. This isn’t much more than survival. I know the kids next door bother you. I’ve seen you flinch at the screams and the abuse. I know the cars at night honk at you. I’ve seen the rings around your eyes in the morning. They’re selling guns on the corner. Maybe we should reconsider. Well, how much do they want? This might be the best that we ever do, living in the gap between downtown and the water, filling in the blank spaces, clinging to you, miming through our lives again, sleeping with the lights on again. If we don’t take sides will we slip by unnoticed? If we duck inside, keep our heads down, don’t go out? “How much are they?” “How much is it worth to you?”

Reckless Driving
Once on the knees and once on the toes. If this is addiction, I don’t want to know. And I know all the words to what you said were your favorite songs. I sit outside your house late at night to watch the lights go off. Oh, why didn’t you see this coming? Oh, why couldn’t you see this coming? A knee in the gut, a boot in the eye. If this compulsion, I’m changing my mind. Cold and wet in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere, lie all of my dreams for you and me. I didn’t have to call, I could have left you there. You don’t know how hard it is not to see you. And I know that you’ve made up your mind and I know I can change it. And if not me, then my car, my vicious dog, a fire, my homemade drugs, a well-timed appearance in your rear-view mirror. I’ve all the time in the world. I’ve got all the time in the world. All the time, all the time. My car, my vicious dog, a fire, my homemade drugs, a well-timed appearance in your rear-view mirror. Oh, why couldn’t you see this coming?

Haunted Rooms
I think I was drunk, or nearly there for a while. I don’t remember everything I said, but I remember your smile. I don’t remember what song was on as we read the Missed Connections. We laughed at the ads and looked in different directions. Well it’s ok. I was joking - I didn’t really mean it anyway. No, it’s ok. I don’t think less of you, couldn’t if I wanted to. We’ll go our separate ways. And I’ll see you at the next show. I’ll smile and say hello, but I’ll try, I’ll try to avoid you. I buried the thoughts and tried not to notice. I felt so healthy and I talked for so long. No it’s ok. I was joking - I didn’t really mean it anyway. It weighs on my conscience, it calls me. They call me at 5am every morning. Well if I knew how to hit, if I threw the perfect fit, I’d tear it all off the walls. And if I knew what you wanted, I’d call you. There are haunted rooms in this house. (well, you should know.) They wrap me tight in the cold cold night when I, when I go. I’m so sorry to leave.

A Deep Deep Lake
Cold hands and always the last to know. Long drives and shadows that follow you home. Too late to find a light on, the tv’s glow. Dark hallways and a place that you shouldn’t go, and so, you go. Alcohol, alcohol. Take your seats. Hold your breath until the morning. Bar the door. It’s happening now. I sleep on the floor, seeping into the floorboards, up the walls, & into the ceiling. I’m watching the house from every angle now. I’m watching you sleep so tenderly. A broken skylight, a kicked-in door, all signs that you were here. A blackened eye. You’re a big man. You’re a big man. You’re such a big man. Thirty odd years and all I can do is grind my teeth at the memory of you. A long long drive, longer than before. Hallelujah, you never looked back. I never look back.

Double Negative
This, this is the truth. I’ve checked all my facts and I’ve got all the proof I need. I keep forgetting why I’m here, I keep feeling I shouldn’t be. The looks I keep getting, the talk in my ear keeps reminding me. It reminds me how our friendship died, how my presence here is a thorn in your side. I keep forgetting why I’m here, it’s because I’m a petty guy who spends his time fabricating useless lies. I wanna know why you had to say the things you said, the time you spent inside my head. I don’t mind. The truth is somewhere in between, hurting you and killing me. You are resigned with your shoulders shrugged, a sideways glance, a nodded head, a non-response. It’s so unkind. The truth is somehow hidden but still hurting you. It’s a lie. It’s my lovesong to you.

3+1
Honey, he doesn’t love you. Honey, he doesn’t love you. Can’t you see the resentment on his face, the subtle abuse in his tone? Can’t you hear the truth behind the jokes when he says he’d rather be alone? Honey, pookie, poodle, he doesn’t love you. Sometimes once is all it takes. You mother and Jesus hate you. But me, I haven’t changed. Maybe you should give me a call. Give me a call. I’m still the same old guy you knew in school, the oldest 18 and so, so tired of life. And so, so tired of life. Your life is ugly and ruthless. Your mother and Jesus hate you. But me, I still like you kind of so why won’t you give me a call? So I walked through the trees you lined your house with and I thought about that guy you’re going out with. And I thought I’d be useful for a change, so I picked up a rake, but I couldn’t figure out what to do with it. So I walked around the gardens in a sorry state and I looked around the table when I came in late and I saw all the food piled on my [plate] so I picked up my drink, but I couldn’t figure out where to throw it first. Oh, give me a call. I’m still the same old guy you knew in school, the oldest 18 and so so, so tired of life when I kiss you, so tired of life when I kiss you.

Lines Drawn
You can almost hear the reasons. You can practically mouth the words. And just like Oakland has no seasons, you can lie without concern. Crowned creep contacts concrete, concrete cracks. I forgot what I had to say- tension is such a funny thing that way. You draw the shades and curse the neighbors. You curse your bad luck. I’ve forgotten why we bother, live off our hopes for the other. You keep me waiting, I’ll be gone before too long. I want to show you what art means, I want to kiss you in the morning. I want this all to blow over, blow over again. I don’t want to say that I told you so, mmm but I told you so. Kill the kids and burn the car for all I said. Crowned creep contacts concrete, concrete cracks.